An Introduction to My Life In Chirst

My story is rooted in my search for something beyond this world. I looked to the world to fill my void inside. After quite a few attempts, I finally realized one day that nothing in this vile earth could fulfill what I really needed. But for me to realize that, there was a cost. Sure, I didn't go as far into the pleasures of the world as others...but even so, I still had so much frustration with it that eventually I would have ended up jumping in my own coffin, anxious to be fed to the soil. Suicide.

Growing up as a homeschooler, I was always around my family. The only time I was around other people was when I went to church. For a while I made my circumstances worse than they could have been. I shied away from others when I was a kid. I always kept to myself. I was even given the name, "The Quiet One." The usual kid who got left out of things and got picked last and what-not. I always felt that for someone to befriend me, they had to come to me first. I always read excessively to escape from reality, and because I just loved it so much. I've been a book worm since I was three years old. I was picked on a lot, and I always thought of myself as a ghost to others. I felt neglected even in my Sunday school setting, and I basically had no friends and envied those who did. I did come to my mom at the age of seven (What a great age to do that...eh?) and I told her I wanted to be saved. I knew Christ was in my heart, but I didn't acknowledge Him as my savior and my friend. He always convicted me of things, but I started to ignore it more and more. Eventually, as I got older and I was around ten and eleven, I found self-help books and online networking sites. I talked to people online because it was comfortable to me and I could alter myself anyway so that someone could like me. I took up writing at about the age of twelve, because I was taught it in my school work, and when I was assigned to write something myself, I discovered I was really good at poetry. I still felt very lonely having friends online, and even though I was reading self-help books and realized I needed to put myself out there, I still felt so lonely. I had a couple of friends, but they weren't true to me, they were very shallow friends. With all this loneliness welling up inside, I would turn to poetry to vent my feelings. I wrote over fifty poems out of my depression. At first when I started writing depressing things, I didn't realize it was because I was depressed. It took me a couple months to realize I was, because at first the depression was deeper down. It seemed I kept trying to push down those feelings by writing them out. Eventually they surfaced after I got in trouble with a boy I talked to online. We were planning to meet in person. Our plans were very off-color...for lack of a better word. My mom was suspicious. I told her I was going to buy her a Mother's day present. She made me put my right hand on the Bible and swear I wasn't going to meet him up there, so I did. There was no way I could break that promise. I saw him there, but we didn't interact. To this day I'm so thankful my mom did that, because not too long after that, I heard he got a girl pregnant.

There was one day that I recall, it was the worst depression I've ever felt. I don't remember what I did, but my mom wanted to take everything from me that I was using to fill that emptiness inside. I tried running away twice and failed...so when I couldn't, I took multiple objects to my left forearm and tried drawing blood. I knew poetry wouldn't numb this sort of pain. I felt like I needed to bleed it out. One of the things I attempted to break my skin with was a cross necklace I had that was made of nails. I remember seeing it and thinking to myself, "What am I doing?" Christ already suffered for me and drew His blood on the cross so I could bear the Holy Spirit, and that it bridged the gap between me and God. I knew that was the truth, but I was too ignorant and unwise at the time that I took my own way of dealing with that void. I had a huge gash on my forearm from that, and I told people I had just burned myself on accident whenever they would ask. Luckily it didn't turn into an addiction.

It took many things for me to turn from my ignorance. I went on mission trips, concerts, and a play that gave a message of salvation. I had a few relapses, so therefore a few more moments where I had to repent. I've always felt and have been told that I was made to do great things in this world, and that God is going to use me in a big way. I have never doubted this, because the struggle within my soul has been so hard, but God has always prevailed. Already I've been told by a few people that something I've written or said has impacted them, but I take no credit. It's all been Christ. He has taught me more and more obedience, and has revealed some of His wisdom to me because I've asked for it.

Recently, I have been feeling the same loneliness that I did at those times because I know I am an outcast, and that I'm a foreigner, and I'm not friends with the world or anyone of the world. But whenever I do feel that loneliness, I remember a poem I wrote about that feeling:

Clusterphobia

My mind is skipping around aimless thoughts
I'm getting out of focus
Too often I rely on materials
To keep me in line
When every day I pray for You to keep me here
Because I often want to stray
To somewhere I don't belong
When I know this is your weakness you've given to me
So I can grow to be strong
If this is what you want, then so be it
Although I keep looking into other lands
Help me to desire what I have here
Hundreds of acres to run free in
But I'm being deceived to think it's a square foot
Open my mind
So I will not be deceived concerning where I stand


I believe this recent relapse was to refresh this memory so I could write this out. Whenever I have this feeling, I know I'm being selfish. What I experience with Christ is worth more than anything on this earth. When I tried to satisfy that hunger in my spirit with things of this world...all it brought me was pain and less of a will to live. But now I am thankful for this life that I have in Christ. He brought me out of my sickness and my pain, and drew me into His loving arms. Since then, I've been slowly growing closer and closer to Him, and my writings have been improving more and more. My life is fully committed to Christ, and there's nothing more valuable to me in this world than Him.

So here's the raw story of my life so far.

Bitter Cold

No love of mine could ever give
What you require of me
No amount of reaching
And no amount of crying out
Could get me to where you want me

A loneliness entrenches my heart so deep
One that no one on earth can fill
And I'm abandoned by the world
The world that I left behind
And I lie dormant under Life

What has called me to be here?
And what will I make of it?
These questions constantly perplex me
Because I can't fulfill it with my selfishness
And my selfishness seems to be all I know

How can I feel I do so much
When the person I am is asleep?
How can I feel so lighthearted
When sin always weighs me down?
God, you made my heart weightless

My skin is lying in the cold
Where it's torn at and frozen
It's frostbitten and black
It's bitter and restless
And on the inside, there's a war

My heart fights to spread warmth
My blood struggles against solidifying
I'm shivering, wanting it to end
I'm wanting to fall asleep
And never wake up again

God awaken me
Awaken my soul
Wrap me up
In your love
It gives me warmth

My heart is surrendered to you...take it, and shape it.

Yes, this was stolen...

Counting down: Christmas. It's that time of year.

Singing: I will possess your heart by Death Cab For Cutie

Hooked on: Charles Dickens' writings.

Blessed by: Being an aunt again.

Addicted to watching: August Rush. I can't watch that movie enough.

I’m feeling: Melancholic...Nothing planned for today. =/

Ok with: Being able to understand synthetic division in algebra...thanks to a brilliant friend.

Self-discovered: That I'm actually really good in retail...and I love it.

Motivated to: Get a job at Gap, since I can't work at Old Navy permanetly because Carley works there.

Unmotivated to: Do my homework during the day.

Enjoying regularly: Praying.

Wondering: Why I'm getting a headache from eating just a few M&M's...

Anticipating: Getting my check from Old Navy so I can finish my Christmas shopping!

Craving: To get out of the house and do something adventurous.

Annoyed with: The little girl who gets everything she wants when she pitches a fit.

Grateful for: Love that I don't deserve, both from God and my friends and family.

Praying for: Christian to do well in school today.

Researching: nothing. =/

Mostly missing: Mission trips, where I have nothing, and everything.

Dwelling on: The fact that I can't find my prayer journal...or my devotional book. =/

Wrapping up: The first semester of school. Mmm...I can't wait till Christmas break.

Old things that intrigue me

CARS! ( I want this car so badly.)

Cobblestone streets

Street signs

Castles

Gates with a lot of detail

Calligraphy writing

clock towers, clocks with roman numerals, and watches with roman numerals.

street lampsbuildings

The Story

"Then in many years to come, he remained silent about his brother's secrets."
The withered lady had just finished the story she was telling when in walked her daughter, Lisa. Lisa had heard every story this woman had told...countless times each. The stories never lost their excitement. Her mother always told them as if the stories happened just yesterday. These stories were mostly true, yet her mother had twisted in her own magic of making them sound much more exciting than they probably actually were in truth.
"Hello dear, you just missed the story about the boy who told all his brothers secrets and became tongue-tied one day."
"Oh yes, that was one of my favorites." Lisa said passionately to the kids flooding around her mother's feet. She looked into her mother's deep coal eyes. This woman had a better perspective on life than that of any other woman she had met. Her stories were enriched with great lessons for kids to learn that they can keep with them the rest of their lives. She knew from personal experience. Because of her mother's stories, she never gossiped behind people's backs; She never intentionally stole someone's seat they were sitting in; But most of all, she made sure she put her right hand over her heart whenever she heard the National Anthem playing. Maybe for kids it was more out of superstition than respect to do those things, but with practicing them as a kid, those habits stuck with her when she was older.
Her mother searched her eyes, than barely audible she said, "There's something wrong with your soul. You don't show it on your face...but there's definitely something."
Her mother was always able to tell when there was something wrong with her. She guessed it was all apart of her mother's magic.
Lisa frowned, then made way to her mother, grabbed her hands, and pulled her to her feet.
"I'll be alright." She replied.
"Of course you will...pain is always temporary."
It never took her mother much to make Lisa smile. She had such wisdom. She had been through so much. Being on a death bed a few times does something to someone from what Lisa could tell. She could imagine that one must embrace their lives even greater after experiences when they were sure it was the end...and practically cheat death and live anyway.
The withered womans hands clung onto Lisa's sweater for support, as she took slow and steady steps to the school exit.
"So are you going to tell me what's wrong, or keep me guessing?" She asked.
Lisa breathed in deeply, letting the hurt course through her heart, and letting it pass over the emptiness on the inside, reminding her of that hollowness. She wasn't sure why she felt this way inside. Sometimes this feeling came seemingly to warn her there was something to come.
"I've given up everything, it seems. But He just keeps asking me to give away more and more of myself. Is there ever a time where we've given up everything, mom? Will I ever have that consistent feeling of being God's instrument?"
Lisa could sense her mother smile that smile that brought more ripples on the sides of her face.
"Do any of us ever get to that point?" She asked. Her mother always replied to her questions with another question. Sometimes, she realized, we never ask the right questions. Most of our questions are so futile. And it seems the only way we could ever get our questions answered is for God to show us something in our lives that point to that answer. Through Lisa's personal experiences, God showed her the answers to those questions.
They stepped outside, into the fog. Leaves covered most of the steps leading down from the school.
"Lisa?"
"Oh...sorry. I was just thinking."
"Good good. I must ask you something." Her mother trembled from the cold, then continued, "I wanted to know...have I met all your needs? Have you any need for me in your life? Be honest."
"Of course I need you. I need you...because of your wisdom, and your love and support." Said Lisa
"Then I guess I'm another thing you need to give over to God if you're relying on me so much for those things."
Lisa was about to object, then realized her mother was right. Her and her mother had a special bond after going through all those near-death experiences.
"But I want you to remember me this way, Lisa. I don't want you to have to see me when I'm too old to walk around, or when I start forgetting my stories."
Lisa frowned, "But I'll always remember you that way. I promise."
"Unfortunately, Lisa, it has to be this way. It is to make the voice of God more prevalent in your life, and for your sisters' lives, and the rest of the family and all our friends."
"What are you talking about mom?"
Suddenly, her mother's legs got weak. She tried to support her, but she came down with her. She panicked, and readjusted her mother's legs so that she was sitting on the steps.
"MOM? ARE YOU OKAY? MOM!"
Her mother's head dropped, and her whole body went limp.
Lisa lifted up her mother's head.
"MOM?" Lisa was breathing hard, and that emptiness inside was consuming her, it seemed her heart was falling through it.
Then her mother drew close to Lisa's ear and said softly, "I lived my story. Live yours."
Just then, there was a huge boom of thunder, and rain started to pour.
Lisa couldn't hear her own sobs over the rain. She put her hand on her mother's face, who's eyes were staring up into the cloudy sky. Her eyes carried no depth. They contained no soul. No wisdom. For the woman, who's wisdom occupied those eyes, was now in some place much greater. Lisa put down her mothers' eye lids, then said in her ear, "Without what you've taught me, I'd be cursing at God right now. You're where you've been excited to go to for a long time. I know that if I were wishing you weren't there, it would be selfish. You are with the King. You lucky woman, you." Lisa couldn't help giggling through the tears and through the pain. Although she felt so sad her mother was gone from this earth, she couldn't hold back the joy when thinking that her mother was now in the place she always talked about. She always said she was going to go there when Lisa least expected it...but that it would help her to grow. She now realized what she had meant. Lisa's tears spilled on her mother's face, mixed in with rain.
"I'm coming mom. As soon as I'm finished with my story."

Good Heavens.

My life is in Your storybook

My heartbeats are numbered

My writings are already written

My breath isn't futile

My hands aren't useless

I'm an instrument
Who's orchestra is far from here
Yet closer than we believe
And each note brings me closer

Each day draws me nearer

Each thought makes it clearer

Each moment in Your arms brings me closer

Each friend makes it deeper

Each feeling, on my face, appear

Every clock is finite

Every road is intwined

Every person is in mind

Every city unaligned

Every tear, easy to find

All the days bring the night

All the years, unresolved resolutions

All the minutes take lives

All seconds, tamed useless

All souls, groping losses

The simple, yet astounding truth.

Within the depths of the earth
Where there's no hope
Comfort
or even Love...

I've been discovered
Chosen
And life breathed in my lungs
Where I'm no longer...

Self.

Mended

In spite of my previous state
I'm not who I use to be

I'm not hopeless in this world
I'm trying to grab ahold the future set before me

This is not my home
Just a temporary residence

I tend to get comfortable here
Yet to get where I'm going, it requires discomfort

I reside in myself too much
Yet I'm called to be unselfish

And I put myself down
When I'm called to humility

My hands grasp for meaning
When my efforts can't change that

I cringe at others' broken state
Yet I'm still being mended

I want to have...

Hope

Another Home

Comfort in Him

An Unselfish love

Humility

Assurance




I want to be...





Mended

[Running Slow]

I'm intending to go
Yet my feet don't move
My heart is soaring
Yet I am idled behind
(I'm going nowhere)

I'm crying from the bottom of my heart
Yet my tears don't come
I'm groping around in darkness
And yet I know where there is light
(I'm so blind)

I can't find a place where You're not
Yet I don't always acknowledge You're there
You're my everything
Yet everything in my life doesn't show that
(I'm so distracted)

I'm wasting precious minutes
On myself, a worthless pasttime
I'm going nowhere, yet I continue
I'm drowned in bitterness for myself
(I'm so selfish)

Lift my face to Yours
I ask You now
Don't let me take my eyes off of You
Don't let my heart stray
(Take these things away)

Residing Within...

Pride comes strutting in through a closed door
You weren't invited here
Your countenance lingers near
Yet you're never welcomed anymore

Anger slaps you hard in the face
Yet you remain ignorant to its sting
And you just keep on the broken wing
For reality flies here, at an incomprehensible pace

My bony knuckles hit the sandy foundation
Upon which you stand with your big head
Inside, your small thoughts embed
You sink deep beneath, under the congregation

Yet you set yourself high above
And try to pluck realities' strings
No sound resonates and pain it brings
You can't fit your incompetence in a glove

You slide easy, yes no such thing as friction
You're making up words with your tongue
And in the end it's going to get rung
And your life ends up one big contradiction

This hate resides and boils
There inside it accumulates
Inside, there it tolerates
Until my thought uncoils

Up from the deepest abyss
Comes this prolonged hope
One day it will surface, and cope
With the most dense bliss...

Love Contradiction

Going faster through this life
It will end at the speed of day
Love will escape
Your grip on it not so tight

So give it all to a soul
That's lost in the fight
That is too weak to win over fate
That can't pick up his bones

You can't pick up humility
You can't face the truth
So it faces you and penetrates
But you force it out

The truth's bind is a tight one
And you're fighting it's grip
You can't let go of your arrogance
And you can't deflate your head

It swells very swell
And I can't tell if you tell
This fight that you fight
If you don't care to care

No, I'm just losing my mind
When I look at your heart
It's fixed on a temporary find
No, not a diamond in the mine

Not the sonorous instrument in the symphony
Not to be found in secretive halls of insanity
No, under the floor boards
Rotten, and without a cause

Your incoherency is incomprehensible
And I'm just scraping the skin
Dig in, dive into shallowness
That's what busted my head

My head can't find a place
Where it can explore adventurously
No, it's no abyss
Just a empty shallowness

Love simply can't do this very thing
Not ever found in a sentence with shallow
No, unheard of, unless referring to what it's not
It's clearly ambiguous, looking at your definition

Amazing Antiques!

These are MINE! And I edited the pictures.

Knees

It's weird thinking about how our actions affect our souls.
And yet we take our actions lightly.

I believe that when we are on our knees, it was meant to be uncomfortable.
It's a sort of sacrifice to God. A sacrifice of our comfort.
Sure, it's not so uncomfortable being on your knees... but it's more about being in a position you're not aren't in usually. It's different from sitting, standing or laying down.
I remember in youth group a long time ago, we had a worship service. The youth leader told us all to get on our knees in worship. We all obeyed. It was not long until I shifted to a more comfortable position. Looking all around the room you'd see the same with everyone else. They kept shifting around trying to get comfortable. Then there was the worship leader, throughout the whole thing, he remained on his knees.
We constantly want to make ourselves comfortable. Take a look at all these different kinds of beds you can get to suit your comfort. Like the sleep number...you can set it to your exact level of comfort.
We have recliners
We have seats in our cars
We have chairs at our dinner tables
We have couches in our living rooms
We have lawn chairs
Hammocks
Air mattresses for when were away from our nice and comfy bed and we have to sleep on the ground.

We are OBSESSED with comfort.And why?
Of course, it is a great thing to keep our necks and backs in line...but not only do we make ourselves comfortable physically, we make ourselves comfortable in every way. Spiritually, emotionally, and sometimes mentally.

When we feel like weve done our part spiritually, we've had our daily Bible reading that was far from our minds and hearts, we feel we can say were done for the day. That was a comfortable amount of scripture reading.

When we feel hurt inside emotionally, we seek comfort from our friends, family and God. I'm not saying it's a bad thing. God intended emotional pain to bring us closer to Him. 1 Peter 4:13 "But rejoice, inasmuch as you are partakers of Christ's sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, you may be glad also with exceeding joy." We can know that in our pain, it will bring us closer to God, and it is temporary.

When we fill our minds with sexuality, do we feel comfortable in that? Can it be? Why else would someone want to fill their minds with it?It feels good to those who think those thoughts. It provides them solace. But lust comes from a deep dissatisfaction with life. Theres many other things we think of in our minds, and not all of it comforts us, but our thoughts can lead us to do things we never even intended in our hearts to do. We hold our hearts captive when we think corrupt thoughts.

When a man gets on one knee when he proposes to a woman, I don't think it would be as comfortable as standing. I'm not sure why this has been practiced...but I admire it. If he were to be on two knees, I would think that would look as if he were begging her to marry him. I think maybe being on one knee instead of two can be looked at as someone who wants you to marry them, but isn't making it more of an imperitive. At least that's what it means to me.

When we are on both knees in worship to God, were setting ourselves low as a beggar does.I get on my knees in prayer when I think the request is very important and I'm in a time of desperation. But our lives always reflect desperation. Us, who are of God, have only experienced a small part of Him, and our lives reflect our need for Him every second of the day.

I feel we should abandon our comfortable lives, and be on our knees, giving up our comfort in order to follow Christ. I don't feel we earn His love by this way, but I think that if Christ died for us, the least we can do is live for Him. To live for Him, we should give up comfort, and not live as the world does, but to come out of our shells and comfort zones that our fears and insecurities have conjured, and follow Christ.

Because Jesus didn't live a comfortable life on earth.

Temporarily materialistic

Suns beating down on the earth's crust
And warming skin deep
But inside we remain cold
Inside is the arctic

Skin melts
Tissues constrict
Bones flake
Organs idle

Were no longer alive
Now here's our soul
Surfacing
Taking control

There goes our bodies
There goes our make up
There goes our clothes
And there goes our sterotype

When it all melts away
All that remains
Is that struggling soul
Freed from a materialistic mind

Life on the Second Hand

Thriving on a constant force to keep me happy
Depending entirely on the next to make me comfortable
Shifting uncomfortably in foreign environments
And contemplating the next move so my knees don't buckle

From this mood to the next, I stride
But I make my goal to be consistent
This is no better than conjuring stale watches
Who's tick never surprise the next

So I travel on the second hand
I'm traveling fast now
But then my mind gets tired
And beyond the hands I go

And so now it's another day
I'm standing on my watch
The hands constantly near missing me
Trying to knock me off balance

I grab one and am taken on a ride
Through life on the second hand
Everything flies by
And so there goes my life

Pyro

Tree rooted in the ground
It's on fire with the light
The sun is dusk
And my hands grab for it

It slips away under the vista
Before I can say, "Fall"
The night is sinister
It surronds me
I lean against the tree

I turn to feel the bark
Rigid and hard
I look up to the leaves
Blowing in the breeze

This tree is sacred
I feel it in my fingertips
I touched them to my face
And static stabbed

I try to tear it down
Find it's origin
Count the rings
Peel off the leaves

The tree is too broad
And I'm too weak
I break my bones
And the branches remain

Far off I hear a call
"Come off it" They say
But before I acknowledge it
I kick the tree

It comes tumbling down on me
From my ignorance
From my selfishness
From my own effort

I thought I could know it
Inside and out
But it remained idle
For I had tried with my own hands

They're wretched
They're filth
I bury my face in them
For it bears as much shame

Then a leaf carressed me
And a branch separated them
I was entangled in the limbs
And the leaves masked my shameful skin

The tree had come to me
And I accepted it
But not by myself
No, it brought me out

I Once Was a Star

I breathed in the distilled nocturnal air, softly but ceaslessly. Can the night get louder? Can I breathe it in deeper?
I faced my palms upward to my face. The palms that perspired when this feeling came.
The nostalgia, the melancholy, and at the same time, prospective and felicity.
I searched the endless night sky, dotted with somber stars.
Why does the sky hide them in the day?
Shouldn't the sun reveal more of the universe?
Instead the blue hue hides the beauty. But the night doesn't give it justice either. It presents mere freckles to our preception.
How much farther can we be?
The distant stars are seen to us as sparks, and we're just another one of those sparks.
The planets and the stars must look at us and call us freckles.

Maybe some stars shine brighter than others because they want to be wished on.
Maybe the ones that shoot are envied.
Maybe they want to be named.
Maybe they want to be planets.
Maybe they want to be considered apart of a constellation.
Maybe they join alliances to make them.

Do they desire to look down at the northern hemisphere or at the southern one?
Do they search for us or do we search for them?
Do they twinkle in our eyes, or do we twinkle in theirs?
Do they dance above us when we dance under them?

These questions made my heart itch, so I decided I'd be among them tonight.
I stared hard into the universe, and pictured me among them.
And so I was. I was a star. I looked down at the swirling clouds in the atmosphere, and I saw the blue hue of the ocean, and I saw the greens of the land.
I looked to the other stars, and they smiled brightly and welcomed me with a faint twinkling, and I twinkled back, matching their tone, to thank them.
They focused their glow back to the earth, in a subtle wish.
I heard one make a low pitched, "ding" which came off to me as a sigh. It spoke in a language made up of swishing, and clocking, and a slight ting at the same time. I recongnized it immediately what it said.
"You were so lucky to be down there. If I lived down there, I wouldn't trade it for anything. Yes we might have a beautiful view up here, and we might shine beauty on the earth, but we merely look down on the earth and wish we were there, while people wish on us. We could grant their wishes in a heartbeat, but then we wish we had a heartbeat. A constant, flowing rhythm of life.
"That's why were reluctant to grant wishes. For once, we'd like our wishes to come true. Scarcely does a humble wisher come to us. Most are greedy with their wishes. All they seem to desire is some wacko kid to hinder the gentle rhythm of their beating hearts. Is everyone down there really that ignorant? Or do we miss the wishes of the ones with sense?"
During this speech, the rest of the stars thonked, and clicked, and botted in grief.
It was all true, I realized. But these stars had an important role in making dreams come true.
I knew I had to lift their spirits, so I made my own noises of encouragement, "But who are you to complain? Yes, you might not be down there, but trust me, you aren't missing much. You think your spirits are low up here? Every heart down there is breaking. No tears are evaporating, and each day they come more consistently. We take for granted the beauty around us, and we are and have been ruining it no doubt. If you look down on them for ruining that beauty, are you going to sit up here and do the same? You are apart of what makes up the beauty, and how amazingly beautiful you all can be here if you jumped out of your somber state. You guys have an important role in your beauty. Maybe if you shined bright enough, and danced enough, it would help them down there to realize how there is still hope. You guys can easily give that hope by simply letting go of your envy for us. You can save the beauty."
There was a moment of still silence, then the stars brightened and there was a chorus of noises and movements from them. They tanged, they hummed, and they clopped. It was how they made applause, apparently. The star that had spoke to me said,
"You speak truth. We feel much admired and important. We are ourselves. We are our purpose. You go be yourself again, and you be your purpose. We will shine bright at you, and will grant you any wishes you please, and you shall restore the beauty neglected and thrashed upon down there. Acknowledge our power, thoughtful one."
"But I must know your name to call on you in need."
"Yes, indeed. You may call me Polaris. I will be your faithful wish-bearer."
With that I gave a last twinkling smile, and I focused onto the green terrain that I came from. I imagined myself in the same spot I looked up from, and I was there again.
I looked up to the sky again, and it shone brighter, and was more lively. It was a dark blue canvas painted with billions of glittering diamonds. Polaris was the brightest, and he winked at me, and I winked back.
I could still faintly hear their voices echo in my ears.
"Now would you look at them now. So potent. So inspirational. They will make good use of their wishes, and I will grant them with compassion."

I walked silently through a fog, and the fog consumed me...the fog was me. I tried looking at my hand a foot from my face and could only make out broad edges. This is the definition of bliss, and this is my reality. What was life was a cheap counterfeit, and those words have been defied. I had a weight on my heart that felt more prevalent than the weight placed on the soles of my shoes, and my balance was shifted, giving me a light-weight feeling in my legs. I couldn't feel them there. They were merely pillars attempting to support my weight. I felt my knees weaken, and they had an urge to meet the ground. When I tried looking at the ground, I found it was invisible. There was no telling what could be down there. Only the bliss was there. I didn't know if I could trust that the ground was there. What if I attempted to fall to my knees, and miscalculated my drop, and land on my hands instead? I can't even tell if my feet are on the ground, what if I'm lifted in the air? What if I'm sinking?My heart sobbed, and my shoulders descended. My eyes became moist. I couldn't tell if it was from the fog, or from my emotions. I looked upwards, and the moisture dried. Then I realized that's the only direction I could see, is above. And why should my tears disappear if I look upwards, and not any other direction?My knees gave out, and I plummeted to the ground, still looking skyward. I closed my eyes, and the moisture came again, so I opened them, and they again vanished.There's something with the sky. Why is it so foggy down here, but so clear up there? I want to go up there! So I called up to the heavens, and they told me I could join them if I never subjected my feet to my weight on the ground again, and I told them I'd fly the rest of my life, and there was no point to remaining down there in the bliss. I felt my eyes somberly release it's moisture. "Why did I remain in this bliss? I'm so ashamed." I thought
"Shame shall be wiped from you. You have sought clarity, and you have found it. I have taken the bliss upon myself, and I've made a way out."
"But why do I thirst so?"
"Thirst comes naturally once you've realized that the bliss couldn't quench it. You were meant to be thirsty. Drink up my skies."
I didn't need to ask their name. I knew well who they were. They were who I've been searching for this whole time, when I knew the bliss couldn't be all there was. They pulled and pulled at my heart, constantly telling me to look away from this bliss. All along I was so foolish, and didn't think to look upwards, until now.
"Now fly! Fly to me!"
I stood from my knees, and my heart was now light. I looked to my chest and saw a faint yellow glow, and knew this is what life was supposed to be.I raised my arms, and the sky embraced me. I danced in the sky all the rest that day, without ground under my feet, and able to see everything. I was rescued! I felt I was sought for and loved all this time! My yellow glow brightened when I experienced thunderstorms and underwent turbulance, so I delighted in the storms. When my glow was faint, I hated these storms, but it's been getting brighter each time. I delight in the smell of moisture in the air, and I thank the storms for bringing me my glow. I also get the job of wiping away fog. It can get hard to get that close to the ground to do it, but it's why I remain in these skies. I love those who are lost in the fog, because I was shown that love when I was in the fog. That is my job until I exceed the atmosphere one day. Until then I will glow here, and my glow will keep getting brighter. And no matter what, I will always look upwards.

The Showdown

Metaphorical darkness shrouds this room
It's filled to it's rim, and flowing over on all sides
With a single source of light attempting to grow
To spread
The metaphorical darkness is gaining control of the scene
As the light tries to grow

"You will not surpress me!" Screams the light.
But the darkness yells back, "You are weak, little light. Become part of the darkness, and you will have overwhelming power, such as that of which we bear."

The light dims at the words, but still tries
The darkness presses on, "You are nothing. You can't light up this mass of darkness, you might as well give up."

The light lessens, and is getting weaker. It is nearly taken out, like a candles' flame blown off the wick, and the wick is left with smoke in remembrance of the flame.

The darkness sways and stirs. It grows thicker than blood. To wade in it would be as wading against a river's current. The room is bitterly cold. The darkness closes in on the light as the ocean swallows the shore. Inching and inching. Pressing and pressing. Slow. Painfully agitating the light in it's patient, but pressuring accusation.

But an outside light pours in, and the darkness does not understand it. It scurries, and leaps for the nearest caverns.

The light that was once small is revived by the greater one, and is brightened.
"Oh, greater light. Always be here with me." Says the lesser light.
"I will be here. I am everywhere. But you will not always feel me. Those times will help your light to grow and function with a greater luminosity." Says the greater light. It then gives a departing kiss, and leaves a shimmering trail. The lesser light is left to fend for the light, only strong enough by the power of the vital part of it given by the greater light.
Ready for another showdown of darkness.

The Sun Deceives.

I've been given a threshold of Joy
It gently kisses my heart
And one is all I need
To be freed from my numbness

The night tells me to retire
But my heart doesn't quit
So I tell the night off
And it tells me farewell

The next day brings more sunlight
More illumination than usual
This simply can't be a normal day
This day holds something of secrecy

-----

My theory is proven
And the day rejects the dawn
The sun hides from it's unbearable shame
And I curse at the moon
For the moon hid this secret from me

I knew it by my tears
For my tears held the answer
They too betrayed me
For they knew it
But merely hinted me

I eavesdropped on the pain
For I could not have it kept from me
Because I might not deal with it later
I couldn't let denial set in
But denial did tempt me

So now that I know
The sun cannot hide any longer
But it can deceive me to believe
That the weather has changed
Because, in fact it has not

So here I rest in my cold skin
I tell the sun it is a liar
And it bears the blame
For it cannot warm this cold skin
And so I sit here and shiver

And the sun doesn't represent the day.

My heart is constrained
In my constricted bones
And near my exhaling lungs
Because I can't feel you inside
And I can't seem to pray
Music about you merely resonates through my ears
But fails to resonate in my heart
I know you are listening
But I can't feel you inside
My soul is deprived
And I'm lapping up your words
But this time they don't quench my thirst

Sometimes we grope at you aimlessly
When we can't feel your heart
Sometimes we feel our hearts are bricks inside
When you have made your house within
Sometimes we feel our eyes are too dry to express it
Even our hearts can't seem to sob
Dear God, if anything, give me pain
I'd rather feel pain than this empty numbness
I'd rather cry than to laugh at this time
Because pain benefits me more than happiness

Tear me down, Father. And break my heart

Night Melody

I look out on the vista
Abstract in comparison to others I've seen
New skies don't swirl
And sunsets don't always have green

The grass tickles my bare feet
I slightly wince, but I take delight
Soon this sun will hide
Soon the moon will bore the night

The sun burrows itself in the ground
The skies are missing it already
They are still cheering
Still pursuing the sun, but now ready

The sky says it's last goodbyes
And gives greeting to the lesser light
A drifting night wind welcomes goose flesh
And the moon shines with it's gleaming might

The trees sway to the gentle melody of the calm night
And the stars twinkle in tune
I strain my ear to hear them beckoning a song
The trees partner with the grass

The moon shies away behind the dark out-of-contrast clouds
But the trees still dance, and the waters join in

The breeze whistles the tune
The locust catches on, and the owls hum with him

I call out to the moon, "Oh please, will you join us?"
But the moon's gleam is faint behind the stubborn cloud
It makes an attempt to show itself
But that stubborn cloud made itself a shroud

We sing louder, we sing to the melancholic blackness above
Till the clouds will part
And the moon illuminates our freedom melody
This song won't end, it's merely the start

A long night rests ahead, and we will not give, we tell the clouds
They at last change their brightness to match the moon
And divide themselves into speckled bits of cotton
And the moons light shines, and we dance with him

The friend we all search for

When you have no one else
Do you know I'm still here?

When your heart is breaking
Do you know that I can

mend it?

When everyone lets you down
Do you know that I can pick you up?

When you feel you have not a friend
Do you know that I want your friendship?

When you feel lonely

Do you know that I am always here?

When you are crying
Do you know I can wipe your tears?

When you are afraid
Do you know that I'm here to remove that fear?

When you are desperate
Do you know that I'm here to cure your desperation?

If you know these things, why don't you let Me work through you?
Your hurting will always lead you to Me, if you let me take you in My arms.

Don't hold in these feelings anymore...be honest with Me.
Cry, scream, and yell your frustration with the world to Me, and know that I feel the same.

Box

I'm contained
At least I'm not insane
But I just might veer towards insanity
If I continue down this path of isolation
I'm isolating my feelings
Isolating my heart
Isolating my mind
Into this finite box
It doesn't even physically exist
It's something my mind made up
But I hate it
I hate it
I kick it into the road, but it won't go away
I kick it to a cold climate, but it merely freezes
I beat it flat, but it remains
I incenerate it, but it only turns to ashes
The ebony ashes blow into my face
Now I can't hide the box at all
The box is now completely visible
I wear it on my face with shame
Forever I'm stuck with this box
Forever I am flawed with this box
I will continue to wash my face
But it will never be completely gone

Poetry once again prevails.

Im screaming in your ears
But you don't listen
Your ears are tuned to my voice
But the words are foreign
I search for someone to speak my language
But I'm still yelling at these walls
I'm isolated by my pride
I'm consolidating my thoughts
Constantly the off-beat rhythms
The ones resonating inside
They won't prevail
For I don't know what language to express them
For if I were to use my own words
They would merely ring in your ears
And if I use other words
How will I know how to communicate my heart and mind?

I yell, and I kick and scream inside
I'm just a child that's upset with the world
I'm accepted into hypocracy
Though that's not where I'd like to be

Narro Sico

Tracy stood outside the small coffee shop. Her hands were clenched by her sides, and were prespirating. She wiped her hands on her jeans.
For too long she had been silent. All her life she was known as, "The quiet one." She had no friends, because she never talked to anyone. Today, she wanted to change that.
She pushed open the door to the coffee shop, heart thumping in her chest. She felt her pulse in her churning stomach.
She scanned the small coffee shop. There was a young couple off to her left. They were texting and not paying attention to each other, and there was a chair pulled up to the table with a small baby that was fussing. They both contined in their own worlds as if the baby wasn't there.
There was a cashier that looked at Tracy suspiciously. Her hair was deshevled and she appeared to be lacking sleep. To her right was a few scattered adults and teens, much older than her, chattering and laughing.
Something bumped her back, she turned and realized she was blocking the door, she took a couple of steps forward. A man who looked in his thirties stepped past her and muttered something under his breath. She found her voice and told him sorry while his back was turned to her. He found a seat near the corner, plopped down and took a ciggarette from his pocket. He then withdrew a lighter and flicked it to life.
The cashier glared at him and said in a straight forward tone, "You can't do that in here."
He got back up, and stomped out, bumping against the chair where the mother of the baby sat.
"EXCUSE YOU!" She yelled.
He ignored her, brushed past Tracy, and exited.
"Well, are you just going to stand there or are you going to order something?"
Tracy looked up and saw the cashier was staring her down. She knew it was now or never. First, she knew she had to draw attention to herself.
"WHO DO YOU THINK I AM!? WHAT KIND OF PLACE DO YOU HAVE RUNNING HERE?!" She yelled.
The chatter and laughing in the coffee shop was silenced, along with the cries of the baby.
Everyone stared at her. She lowered her voice, "I apologize, but I need everyone's attention. I have vital information."
She had the whole coffee shops' attention, so she pursued, "I once was quiet, but I was given a gift that I can't keep silent about."
The people of the coffee shop searched each other's expressions.
"I believe anyone who knows what I'm talking about shouldn't be silent either. One day, we might not have the legal rights to speak up, and that is the love of Christ. His love is not to be treated as something that you are to keep to yourself."
She knew that statement would welcome some grunts and protests. Nearly the whole shop was protesting, except for couple of people. She raised her voice to drown them out, "If anyone here has been silent when you knew you needed to say something, I'm going to give you a chance to join me and make yourself known."
The man who went outside with his ciggarette came storming in the coffee shop again. He bumped against Tracy, nearly knocking her over, and returned to his seat he sat in before he was sent outside. Tracy knew she had to continue, although most of the attention she once had was gone. She was now yelling, "IF ANYONE HERE ADMITS THEY HAVE BEEN TOO SILENT ABOUT CHRIST, EITHER STAND RIGHT NOW, OR RAISE YOUR HAND IF YOU ARE ALREADY STANDING."
Tracy lifted both her hands, closed her eyes and tilted her head upwards. She waited a few seconds, then opened her eyes again.
She saw the cashier slowly lift her hand, tears now streaking on her face.
The mother of the baby stood and raised her hand. Her boyfriend grabbed her arm to try to get her to sit down, but she yanked it away.
The man sitting in the corner who had went to get a ciggarette got up once again, but he did not raise his hand. He wore an angry expression. He reached into his jacket and withdrew a gun. The coffee shop broke out in a panic.
"Girl, you better get out of here right now, or I will silence you." Said the man.
"I'm sorry, but I've been silent too long. I won't be silent anymore. But if you decide to silence me by force, so be it." Said Tracy.
The mother of the baby got out of the guns path and grabbed her baby.
There was a loud bang, and Tracy fell to the ground with a bloody hole in her forehead.
The girl at the cashier picked up a phone and started dialing 911. The man aimed the gun in her direction and fired it again, making her collapse to the floor.
The mother remained standing with her baby.
"SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!"
She did as he commanded.
He put his gun back and stormed out of the coffee shop.


Tracy was not silenced. Her heroism sparked a new generation of believers who started an origanization called, "Speak Up." The mother who had sat down at the gunman's commands started the organization. She felt she had to make it up to God because she chose to be silent when facing death.
After the cashier had dialed 911, The cops showed up just in time to arrest the gunman. He is serving a 30 year term in prision for second-degree murder.

We are blind to our own selfishness and pride

Humans sputter their words through a sharp tongue
Words pierce the soul
The soul is torn at an end
Yes it will mend, but not completely heal
Us human's souls are just not repairable
Constantly accusing others of their self-loving state
When we are the same in our sinful ways
We make endless attempts to convict others
When we ourselves are worthy of conviction
So to say one is prideful of one self
Is to be hypocritical, accusing someone of an action
When they themselves are committing the same sin
When they are accusing one of selfishness
They are accusing them of not leveling up to their own standards
How can you size a persons level of selfishness unless you yourself are being selfish, and are doing the same thing by accusing them of not leveling up to their own standards?

We are so selfish, that we accuse each other of selfishness and are blind to the fact that we ourselves are being selfish when accusing others of their own selfishness, thus accusing them of something they themselves are guilty for, thus saying that they themselves are not currently in the state of selfishness, and therefore being prideful of their position, and therefore proving themselves selfish for taking into account other's problems, instead of focusing on their own...and why? Because they are full of pride. And the prideful one says that they are not prideful, but it is not them who is not prideful...it is that they are so prideful of their position that they don't even know they are prideful. They are prideful, because they say they are not, when in reality we all are. Some say they are not prideful because they want to come off as someone humbled, therefore gaining credibility, and adding to their pride even more because they are looked at as one who is admirable for, "not being prideful."

Why do we accuse others of selfishness when we end up acting the same by the accusation?

How do I know this? Because I myself am prideful and selfish. Each day I loathe it, and each day I strive to be stripped of it, piece by piece. It is not me who is stripping myself of my pride and selfishness. It is God. And he can strip you of those also.
We need to admit we are selfish and prideful, and have God do something about it.

A simple gesture of unappreciation goes a long way

A kid didn't have money for lunch
And no one would pay for him
So he sat there, holding his stomach through the rest of the lunch hour
I laughed and chewed my food mockingly at him, while he stared at me.

A girl that hides behind her hair doesn't talk to anyone
Me and my friends make fun of her
She just runs away without a sound
Too bad she doesn't have the friends I do

A mentally challenged boy sits in class next to me
His face is horribly deformed
He creeped me out
So I screamed and moved away

A few years later....

What happened to me?
I gained so much weight
I've put on fifty pounds
And my stomach continues to bulge

My group of friends are much more skinny than I am
They are making fun of me constantly
I just try to play along and joke about it
Because they are the only friends I have

My face is no longer recongnizable
It's protruding, and disgusting
Perhaps too many meals in a day?
Because now no one can stand the sight of it

A few days later....

I don't care about this problem anymore
I'll just keep over-indulging and eat away
I need to fill that emptiness
The food helps to fill it, but it won't go away

The group of friends I once had, hurt me
They posted pictures of me all around the college
Pictures with my head placed on a skinny girl
So during the lunch hour I poisioned their food

I put on make up to cover every inch of my face
I don't look like the same person
But I haven't changed
The ugly face is still there

The obituary:

She was once the skinniest girl in her time
Life did not bring her what she wanted, so she resulted to food
She over indulged over the years
It became her friend, and Jesus did not.

Her friends were once trust-worthy, at least in her eyes
They turned their backs on her
She reacted by killing them with a lethal poison
They were never her friends, and neither was Jesus

She was a beautiful girl
Even if she didn't say she was
She died on the surgical table while trying to get everything she didn't like removed
She didn't accept herself for who she was, because she didn't know the Someone that would.

Don't forget to stretch before running

When you have made yourself comfortable with this world
You will not be effective for service

But if you set your sights on eternity
You can change the world

People who are faithful don't just walk with Jesus
We RUN.

Can you keep up??

Clusterphobia

My mind is skipping around aimless thoughts
I'm getting out of focus
Too often I rely on materials
To keep me in line
When every day I pray for you to keep me here
Because I often want to stray
To somewhere I don't belong
When I know this is your weakness you've given to me
So I can grow to be strong
If this is what you want, then so be it
Although I keep looking into other lands
Help me to desire what I have here
Hundreds of acres to run free in
But I'm being deceived to think it's a square foot
Open my mind
So I will not be deceived concerning where I stand.

Indulge

Pop the pills
Take a drag off nicotine
Drink to the last drop of alcohol
Crave the adrenaline rush in a roll of paper
Sexual immorality is always an option
Close in on the hope contained in damsels who are as desperate as you
Call them your other half to feel like you've found what will complete you
When in the end, you find no other human being alone can be trusted to fill what your heart and life needs.
Starve yourself to gain the likes of others
Powder your face, and mask what you don't like
Eat through the pain to dull it
Work out your kinks in a gym
Take advantage of people to make money to support your addiction

Then when you have had enough

Get detoxed
Use patches, gum, candy, anything that will take your mind off your addiction
Get yourself on a diet
Go to therapy sessions
Go to a rehabilitation center

Makes a lot of sense to indulge in those things that make you want to stop afterwards.
Somehow we all know we need to quit someday
Yet somehow we think it will keep us alive
When in reality it leads us to our graves

For some reason we always want to be forgiven for those mistakes

I'm trying to discern why I feel this way
Why do I feel?

I'm being crushed under the weight of life
And life mocks my pain, while sending me more

I try to cry, but my tears won't come
What's holding me back is what I feel inside

Why do I strive to be so much?
And still I am nothing?

I can't be anything, if I keep saying, "I"
And that's where I am lost

I'm lost in, "I".
I try to resist others

I try to resist my discouragement
I supress my feelings so I won't be hurt in the end

But in the end I end up only hurting myself more
Notice how I keep referring to myself

My heart is dissolving, but yet still throbbing
Like my life, vanishing, yet coming fully alive

I can't comprehend beauty, and it makes me sick
I can't digest significance

My stomach is too weak
And the taste of it is too broad

Every day I need to kill myself
But every day I struggle with nailing myself to a cross

Where God takes me
For me to hang there

And why?
For. The. Sake. Of. Love. And. Not. Me.

Death's Kiss

Negative thoughts run through my mind
Negative, that's all life is
I've been searching for something I can't find
Though, I did make it His

Take me home, I'm tired of everything
Take me now, I'm sick
Before I reconsider anything
Hurry while the clock pauses it's tick

The next day....

"DO YOU WANT TO DIE?"
I know that's what I heard
It inflicted a sigh
I heard it, word for word

"As much as I wanted to yesterday
Today is a new day, and I need to live
My family needs me, I won't let them go astray
I can't let them live with guilt--that I won't give

I need to stay here
Though I want to go home
My time is not near
Till then, here I will roam"

Ten minutes later...driving in a car down the street in the passenger seat...a close call....a near miss. I'm a witness. It was indeed a miracle they survived. She was glad she chose to live.