An Introduction to My Life In Chirst

My story is rooted in my search for something beyond this world. I looked to the world to fill my void inside. After quite a few attempts, I finally realized one day that nothing in this vile earth could fulfill what I really needed. But for me to realize that, there was a cost. Sure, I didn't go as far into the pleasures of the world as others...but even so, I still had so much frustration with it that eventually I would have ended up jumping in my own coffin, anxious to be fed to the soil. Suicide.

Growing up as a homeschooler, I was always around my family. The only time I was around other people was when I went to church. For a while I made my circumstances worse than they could have been. I shied away from others when I was a kid. I always kept to myself. I was even given the name, "The Quiet One." The usual kid who got left out of things and got picked last and what-not. I always felt that for someone to befriend me, they had to come to me first. I always read excessively to escape from reality, and because I just loved it so much. I've been a book worm since I was three years old. I was picked on a lot, and I always thought of myself as a ghost to others. I felt neglected even in my Sunday school setting, and I basically had no friends and envied those who did. I did come to my mom at the age of seven (What a great age to do that...eh?) and I told her I wanted to be saved. I knew Christ was in my heart, but I didn't acknowledge Him as my savior and my friend. He always convicted me of things, but I started to ignore it more and more. Eventually, as I got older and I was around ten and eleven, I found self-help books and online networking sites. I talked to people online because it was comfortable to me and I could alter myself anyway so that someone could like me. I took up writing at about the age of twelve, because I was taught it in my school work, and when I was assigned to write something myself, I discovered I was really good at poetry. I still felt very lonely having friends online, and even though I was reading self-help books and realized I needed to put myself out there, I still felt so lonely. I had a couple of friends, but they weren't true to me, they were very shallow friends. With all this loneliness welling up inside, I would turn to poetry to vent my feelings. I wrote over fifty poems out of my depression. At first when I started writing depressing things, I didn't realize it was because I was depressed. It took me a couple months to realize I was, because at first the depression was deeper down. It seemed I kept trying to push down those feelings by writing them out. Eventually they surfaced after I got in trouble with a boy I talked to online. We were planning to meet in person. Our plans were very off-color...for lack of a better word. My mom was suspicious. I told her I was going to buy her a Mother's day present. She made me put my right hand on the Bible and swear I wasn't going to meet him up there, so I did. There was no way I could break that promise. I saw him there, but we didn't interact. To this day I'm so thankful my mom did that, because not too long after that, I heard he got a girl pregnant.

There was one day that I recall, it was the worst depression I've ever felt. I don't remember what I did, but my mom wanted to take everything from me that I was using to fill that emptiness inside. I tried running away twice and failed...so when I couldn't, I took multiple objects to my left forearm and tried drawing blood. I knew poetry wouldn't numb this sort of pain. I felt like I needed to bleed it out. One of the things I attempted to break my skin with was a cross necklace I had that was made of nails. I remember seeing it and thinking to myself, "What am I doing?" Christ already suffered for me and drew His blood on the cross so I could bear the Holy Spirit, and that it bridged the gap between me and God. I knew that was the truth, but I was too ignorant and unwise at the time that I took my own way of dealing with that void. I had a huge gash on my forearm from that, and I told people I had just burned myself on accident whenever they would ask. Luckily it didn't turn into an addiction.

It took many things for me to turn from my ignorance. I went on mission trips, concerts, and a play that gave a message of salvation. I had a few relapses, so therefore a few more moments where I had to repent. I've always felt and have been told that I was made to do great things in this world, and that God is going to use me in a big way. I have never doubted this, because the struggle within my soul has been so hard, but God has always prevailed. Already I've been told by a few people that something I've written or said has impacted them, but I take no credit. It's all been Christ. He has taught me more and more obedience, and has revealed some of His wisdom to me because I've asked for it.

Recently, I have been feeling the same loneliness that I did at those times because I know I am an outcast, and that I'm a foreigner, and I'm not friends with the world or anyone of the world. But whenever I do feel that loneliness, I remember a poem I wrote about that feeling:

Clusterphobia

My mind is skipping around aimless thoughts
I'm getting out of focus
Too often I rely on materials
To keep me in line
When every day I pray for You to keep me here
Because I often want to stray
To somewhere I don't belong
When I know this is your weakness you've given to me
So I can grow to be strong
If this is what you want, then so be it
Although I keep looking into other lands
Help me to desire what I have here
Hundreds of acres to run free in
But I'm being deceived to think it's a square foot
Open my mind
So I will not be deceived concerning where I stand


I believe this recent relapse was to refresh this memory so I could write this out. Whenever I have this feeling, I know I'm being selfish. What I experience with Christ is worth more than anything on this earth. When I tried to satisfy that hunger in my spirit with things of this world...all it brought me was pain and less of a will to live. But now I am thankful for this life that I have in Christ. He brought me out of my sickness and my pain, and drew me into His loving arms. Since then, I've been slowly growing closer and closer to Him, and my writings have been improving more and more. My life is fully committed to Christ, and there's nothing more valuable to me in this world than Him.

So here's the raw story of my life so far.

Bitter Cold

No love of mine could ever give
What you require of me
No amount of reaching
And no amount of crying out
Could get me to where you want me

A loneliness entrenches my heart so deep
One that no one on earth can fill
And I'm abandoned by the world
The world that I left behind
And I lie dormant under Life

What has called me to be here?
And what will I make of it?
These questions constantly perplex me
Because I can't fulfill it with my selfishness
And my selfishness seems to be all I know

How can I feel I do so much
When the person I am is asleep?
How can I feel so lighthearted
When sin always weighs me down?
God, you made my heart weightless

My skin is lying in the cold
Where it's torn at and frozen
It's frostbitten and black
It's bitter and restless
And on the inside, there's a war

My heart fights to spread warmth
My blood struggles against solidifying
I'm shivering, wanting it to end
I'm wanting to fall asleep
And never wake up again

God awaken me
Awaken my soul
Wrap me up
In your love
It gives me warmth

My heart is surrendered to you...take it, and shape it.

Yes, this was stolen...

Counting down: Christmas. It's that time of year.

Singing: I will possess your heart by Death Cab For Cutie

Hooked on: Charles Dickens' writings.

Blessed by: Being an aunt again.

Addicted to watching: August Rush. I can't watch that movie enough.

I’m feeling: Melancholic...Nothing planned for today. =/

Ok with: Being able to understand synthetic division in algebra...thanks to a brilliant friend.

Self-discovered: That I'm actually really good in retail...and I love it.

Motivated to: Get a job at Gap, since I can't work at Old Navy permanetly because Carley works there.

Unmotivated to: Do my homework during the day.

Enjoying regularly: Praying.

Wondering: Why I'm getting a headache from eating just a few M&M's...

Anticipating: Getting my check from Old Navy so I can finish my Christmas shopping!

Craving: To get out of the house and do something adventurous.

Annoyed with: The little girl who gets everything she wants when she pitches a fit.

Grateful for: Love that I don't deserve, both from God and my friends and family.

Praying for: Christian to do well in school today.

Researching: nothing. =/

Mostly missing: Mission trips, where I have nothing, and everything.

Dwelling on: The fact that I can't find my prayer journal...or my devotional book. =/

Wrapping up: The first semester of school. Mmm...I can't wait till Christmas break.

Old things that intrigue me

CARS! ( I want this car so badly.)

Cobblestone streets

Street signs

Castles

Gates with a lot of detail

Calligraphy writing

clock towers, clocks with roman numerals, and watches with roman numerals.

street lampsbuildings

The Story

"Then in many years to come, he remained silent about his brother's secrets."
The withered lady had just finished the story she was telling when in walked her daughter, Lisa. Lisa had heard every story this woman had told...countless times each. The stories never lost their excitement. Her mother always told them as if the stories happened just yesterday. These stories were mostly true, yet her mother had twisted in her own magic of making them sound much more exciting than they probably actually were in truth.
"Hello dear, you just missed the story about the boy who told all his brothers secrets and became tongue-tied one day."
"Oh yes, that was one of my favorites." Lisa said passionately to the kids flooding around her mother's feet. She looked into her mother's deep coal eyes. This woman had a better perspective on life than that of any other woman she had met. Her stories were enriched with great lessons for kids to learn that they can keep with them the rest of their lives. She knew from personal experience. Because of her mother's stories, she never gossiped behind people's backs; She never intentionally stole someone's seat they were sitting in; But most of all, she made sure she put her right hand over her heart whenever she heard the National Anthem playing. Maybe for kids it was more out of superstition than respect to do those things, but with practicing them as a kid, those habits stuck with her when she was older.
Her mother searched her eyes, than barely audible she said, "There's something wrong with your soul. You don't show it on your face...but there's definitely something."
Her mother was always able to tell when there was something wrong with her. She guessed it was all apart of her mother's magic.
Lisa frowned, then made way to her mother, grabbed her hands, and pulled her to her feet.
"I'll be alright." She replied.
"Of course you will...pain is always temporary."
It never took her mother much to make Lisa smile. She had such wisdom. She had been through so much. Being on a death bed a few times does something to someone from what Lisa could tell. She could imagine that one must embrace their lives even greater after experiences when they were sure it was the end...and practically cheat death and live anyway.
The withered womans hands clung onto Lisa's sweater for support, as she took slow and steady steps to the school exit.
"So are you going to tell me what's wrong, or keep me guessing?" She asked.
Lisa breathed in deeply, letting the hurt course through her heart, and letting it pass over the emptiness on the inside, reminding her of that hollowness. She wasn't sure why she felt this way inside. Sometimes this feeling came seemingly to warn her there was something to come.
"I've given up everything, it seems. But He just keeps asking me to give away more and more of myself. Is there ever a time where we've given up everything, mom? Will I ever have that consistent feeling of being God's instrument?"
Lisa could sense her mother smile that smile that brought more ripples on the sides of her face.
"Do any of us ever get to that point?" She asked. Her mother always replied to her questions with another question. Sometimes, she realized, we never ask the right questions. Most of our questions are so futile. And it seems the only way we could ever get our questions answered is for God to show us something in our lives that point to that answer. Through Lisa's personal experiences, God showed her the answers to those questions.
They stepped outside, into the fog. Leaves covered most of the steps leading down from the school.
"Lisa?"
"Oh...sorry. I was just thinking."
"Good good. I must ask you something." Her mother trembled from the cold, then continued, "I wanted to know...have I met all your needs? Have you any need for me in your life? Be honest."
"Of course I need you. I need you...because of your wisdom, and your love and support." Said Lisa
"Then I guess I'm another thing you need to give over to God if you're relying on me so much for those things."
Lisa was about to object, then realized her mother was right. Her and her mother had a special bond after going through all those near-death experiences.
"But I want you to remember me this way, Lisa. I don't want you to have to see me when I'm too old to walk around, or when I start forgetting my stories."
Lisa frowned, "But I'll always remember you that way. I promise."
"Unfortunately, Lisa, it has to be this way. It is to make the voice of God more prevalent in your life, and for your sisters' lives, and the rest of the family and all our friends."
"What are you talking about mom?"
Suddenly, her mother's legs got weak. She tried to support her, but she came down with her. She panicked, and readjusted her mother's legs so that she was sitting on the steps.
"MOM? ARE YOU OKAY? MOM!"
Her mother's head dropped, and her whole body went limp.
Lisa lifted up her mother's head.
"MOM?" Lisa was breathing hard, and that emptiness inside was consuming her, it seemed her heart was falling through it.
Then her mother drew close to Lisa's ear and said softly, "I lived my story. Live yours."
Just then, there was a huge boom of thunder, and rain started to pour.
Lisa couldn't hear her own sobs over the rain. She put her hand on her mother's face, who's eyes were staring up into the cloudy sky. Her eyes carried no depth. They contained no soul. No wisdom. For the woman, who's wisdom occupied those eyes, was now in some place much greater. Lisa put down her mothers' eye lids, then said in her ear, "Without what you've taught me, I'd be cursing at God right now. You're where you've been excited to go to for a long time. I know that if I were wishing you weren't there, it would be selfish. You are with the King. You lucky woman, you." Lisa couldn't help giggling through the tears and through the pain. Although she felt so sad her mother was gone from this earth, she couldn't hold back the joy when thinking that her mother was now in the place she always talked about. She always said she was going to go there when Lisa least expected it...but that it would help her to grow. She now realized what she had meant. Lisa's tears spilled on her mother's face, mixed in with rain.
"I'm coming mom. As soon as I'm finished with my story."