Love that flies and soars
It fills the depths of my soul
I've been rejected by the world
And into his loving arms I've fled
I am lost in this craze
In this place I don't belong
It's a place I'm passing through
I'm a sojourner, ready to go home
I've dealt with pain in the greatest form
And I've had exceeding joy
Yet I haven't found
Where the end of the rope is
So that I can swing away
Into my eternal destiny
And I can soar
Like I was meant to do
14.12.10
9.12.10
Everyone's Obsessed
So, recently I've been reading Ted Dekker.
Yes, he doesn't have a very exciting style of writing
And yes, he can be off theologically in some of his books
But I'll give it to him that he can write a good story, and he's much better at that than I am.
Last night I was reading some more of his book titled, "Obsessed", and there was a part in it when the character Stephen goes to meet up a friend who owns an antique shop. (He really goes in because he wants to talk to him about the worth of a certain item that he's trying to get a hold of.)
The shop-keeper, Gerik, is selling a pocket watch for $3,000. Stephen asks him if the watch is really worth that much. Gerik goes on to tell him that an object's value is only as much as someone is willing to pay for it. He tells Stephen about people's obsessions with these objects. Gerik then tells him that we were made to obsess, just most people obsess over the wrong things.
I totally agree with this. Everyone has an obsession...an addiction.
I believe that the thing you spend most of your time thinking of and acting on is the very thing you're living for; It's your obsession.
That's hard to think of, because a lot of us spend our time on things that don't matter in terms of prospect.
What is hard for me to think of is how much time I spend on myself: Pleasing myself, entertaining myself, making sure I'm happy and that I'm satisfied with life.
I spend too much time thinking about how I feel about things, and not enough time thinking about other's feelings.
I spend too much time thinking about pleasing myself, instead of pleasing God.
As humans, it's natural to obsess...but just because it might be natural, it doesn't make it right when your obsession isn't turned toward what it should be.
But the word "obession" has bad connotations, and I'm not going to use that word when it's directed towards God....lets say "devotion."
We must be devoted to God, and not devote our lives to anything else.
Exodus 20:3 "You shall have no other gods before Me."
The value found in objects:
Yes, he doesn't have a very exciting style of writing
And yes, he can be off theologically in some of his books
But I'll give it to him that he can write a good story, and he's much better at that than I am.
Last night I was reading some more of his book titled, "Obsessed", and there was a part in it when the character Stephen goes to meet up a friend who owns an antique shop. (He really goes in because he wants to talk to him about the worth of a certain item that he's trying to get a hold of.)
The shop-keeper, Gerik, is selling a pocket watch for $3,000. Stephen asks him if the watch is really worth that much. Gerik goes on to tell him that an object's value is only as much as someone is willing to pay for it. He tells Stephen about people's obsessions with these objects. Gerik then tells him that we were made to obsess, just most people obsess over the wrong things.
I totally agree with this. Everyone has an obsession...an addiction.
I believe that the thing you spend most of your time thinking of and acting on is the very thing you're living for; It's your obsession.
That's hard to think of, because a lot of us spend our time on things that don't matter in terms of prospect.
What is hard for me to think of is how much time I spend on myself: Pleasing myself, entertaining myself, making sure I'm happy and that I'm satisfied with life.
I spend too much time thinking about how I feel about things, and not enough time thinking about other's feelings.
I spend too much time thinking about pleasing myself, instead of pleasing God.
As humans, it's natural to obsess...but just because it might be natural, it doesn't make it right when your obsession isn't turned toward what it should be.
But the word "obession" has bad connotations, and I'm not going to use that word when it's directed towards God....lets say "devotion."
We must be devoted to God, and not devote our lives to anything else.
Exodus 20:3 "You shall have no other gods before Me."
The value found in objects:
"No. 5, 1948" by Jackson Pollock
Sold for $140,000,000
This is the rarest and most valuable stamp in the world...it's called the "Tre Skilling Banco Yellow." Only one exists and it was sold for $2,300,000
This is the rarest comic book in the world.
It was sold for 12 cents in March of 1963 and now is worth over $40,000
28.6.10
Life...
I'm tired...
I'm so tired of living here.
I admit I sometimes ask God to take me home...my real home. I'm tired of hatred and shallow, selfish love. I'm tired of distractions, bickering, arguing, yelling, profanity, lying, rudeness, materialism, promiscuity, shallow people, losing friends I thought were true to me, opposition, being excluded, crying nearly every day, dry wells of creativity, striving for something I can't reach, not being able to do what my heart's desire is, being limited by finances, meaningless education, broken families, shallow words...
I'm tired of dying inside, and having to be revived frequently as a result
My
I'm tired of not being heard. I'm tired at yelling my emotions at walls that don't talk back.
I'm tired of not being close to my Creator. I'm a foreigner here...this isn't where I belong. I have no citizenship here; My citizenship is in Heaven. I want so badly to be there right now. It can't come fast enough.
I'm so tired of living here.
I admit I sometimes ask God to take me home...my real home. I'm tired of hatred and shallow, selfish love. I'm tired of distractions, bickering, arguing, yelling, profanity, lying, rudeness, materialism, promiscuity, shallow people, losing friends I thought were true to me, opposition, being excluded, crying nearly every day, dry wells of creativity, striving for something I can't reach, not being able to do what my heart's desire is, being limited by finances, meaningless education, broken families, shallow words...
I'm tired of dying inside, and having to be revived frequently as a result
My
awakening is tired of my sleep. My dreams are tired of my awakening. My awakening is tired of my dreams. My
sleep is tired of my awakening
I'm tired of not being heard. I'm tired at yelling my emotions at walls that don't talk back.
I'm tired of not being close to my Creator. I'm a foreigner here...this isn't where I belong. I have no citizenship here; My citizenship is in Heaven. I want so badly to be there right now. It can't come fast enough.
5.6.10
Rambling
I have realized that the thing that upsets me the most, is people.
People make me cry
Because I pity them, I love them, I dislike them, I depend on them, I grow close to them, I yearn for them, I...
Need them.
Yes, I need them. I couldn't live without them.
And I'm scared for someone close to me to die, because I don't know how I'd handle it.
But I'd probably do what I usually do to vent...
Write, write, and write.
I have pictured in my mind how I would feel if all of a sudden, someone close to me left their earthly body.
We do need to be joyful that they met their Creator, but I don't know if I could see through to that for a long time through all the pain of a loss. It would feel permanent.
I've mourned over losses that haven't even occurred.
Just thinking of not ever again being able to see, talk to, or spend time with someone I'm close to makes me cry.
It's sad that just the thought of that does that to me.
I've realized though, that the best writers are those who pour out their true emotions into their writings. Who don't restrain from writing things just because their "audience" might not like it.
I believe experiences will get me there. It will bring out my writing style that I haven't fully discovered yet.
People make me cry
Because I pity them, I love them, I dislike them, I depend on them, I grow close to them, I yearn for them, I...
Need them.
Yes, I need them. I couldn't live without them.
And I'm scared for someone close to me to die, because I don't know how I'd handle it.
But I'd probably do what I usually do to vent...
Write, write, and write.
I have pictured in my mind how I would feel if all of a sudden, someone close to me left their earthly body.
We do need to be joyful that they met their Creator, but I don't know if I could see through to that for a long time through all the pain of a loss. It would feel permanent.
I've mourned over losses that haven't even occurred.
Just thinking of not ever again being able to see, talk to, or spend time with someone I'm close to makes me cry.
It's sad that just the thought of that does that to me.
I've realized though, that the best writers are those who pour out their true emotions into their writings. Who don't restrain from writing things just because their "audience" might not like it.
I believe experiences will get me there. It will bring out my writing style that I haven't fully discovered yet.
8.5.10
Poetic rambling I guess
Writing for the world
Writing for my soul
Yet nothing comes
And my paper is placid
Waiting to be ignited...
... I write sometimes
For the people who
Will read it when I'm gone
And I won't be gone
Once I'm old and withered
No, I've believed it to be
Sooner than we'd think
And I would rather
Depart from this life
Before I grow too old
And merely survive
Without a goal in mind
But just to gradually fade
That's my nightmare
And I cannot stay that long
So I will live this out frivolously
And make my journey look to skies
So that I will embark
On a journey without rest
And though I might run to the grave
I won't do it in vain
I will make a legacy
Not a worldly one
But a heavenly one
Writing for my soul
Yet nothing comes
And my paper is placid
Waiting to be ignited...
... I write sometimes
For the people who
Will read it when I'm gone
And I won't be gone
Once I'm old and withered
No, I've believed it to be
Sooner than we'd think
And I would rather
Depart from this life
Before I grow too old
And merely survive
Without a goal in mind
But just to gradually fade
That's my nightmare
And I cannot stay that long
So I will live this out frivolously
And make my journey look to skies
So that I will embark
On a journey without rest
And though I might run to the grave
I won't do it in vain
I will make a legacy
Not a worldly one
But a heavenly one
16.3.10
Abandoned
I wrote this because it's sad for me to think of people in rest homes. Some of them never get visits. Some of them don't even hear from their loved ones. If I was ever left there, I would feel neglected.
I remember going to sing to people at rest homes when I was younger. They're like neglected souls, left to die.
A couple of them, I wondered if they even had a heart under all that aged flesh.
If you think about it, the people there are still young. If you believe we lead short lives, we stay young through that whole time.
Their hearts are filled with youth, but they let their state of mind and body make them believe they are old.
They're not old, just aged.
Aged man
Withering where he sits
But no one to sit with him
Loved ones neglected
His poor wrinkled hands
Aged woman
Without a friend
A family member
To take care of her
Or even send her cards
Too young to be lost and alone
Made to be outside
Made to change the world
Yet left to rest
In a home without it's sweet
Is your heart breaking
When you know you could be out there
Flying the skies
Making a difference
Restored to health, alive
Come alive
Release
Forget the ones
Who call themselves, "Loved ones"
They left you here
Abandoned.
I remember going to sing to people at rest homes when I was younger. They're like neglected souls, left to die.
A couple of them, I wondered if they even had a heart under all that aged flesh.
If you think about it, the people there are still young. If you believe we lead short lives, we stay young through that whole time.
Their hearts are filled with youth, but they let their state of mind and body make them believe they are old.
They're not old, just aged.
Aged man
Withering where he sits
But no one to sit with him
Loved ones neglected
His poor wrinkled hands
Aged woman
Without a friend
A family member
To take care of her
Or even send her cards
Too young to be lost and alone
Made to be outside
Made to change the world
Yet left to rest
In a home without it's sweet
Is your heart breaking
When you know you could be out there
Flying the skies
Making a difference
Restored to health, alive
Come alive
Release
Forget the ones
Who call themselves, "Loved ones"
They left you here
Abandoned.
3.3.10
Take Control
I've realized how much I've needed You in my life. It just seems that every time I try to take control of my life, everything gets so out of order. I don't realize when I'm doing this sometimes...but I think I can tell now.
Usually, if you're not praying much, you're taking control of your life. How much you pray reflects how much you depend on God to take control of your life.
God, how I don't understand how I trust my own hands with my life sometimes...because when it use to be in my own hands, I couldn't take it, and kept thinking of throwing it away.
Thank You for being so faithful to hold my heart during these times.
I'm thankful for the trials I go through, because it assures me of how much You love me, because You want to bring me closer to you.
Thank You for not going one day without reminding me that You set me apart for a great purpose...I've known that most my life, and my mom has known that my whole life.
Thank You for never failing me when I failed myself
Thank You for loving this ungrateful sinner
Thank You for giving me words to speak to peoples' hearts
Thank You for your love you put in my heart
Love, your affectionate child
I can't wait to be with You some day
Usually, if you're not praying much, you're taking control of your life. How much you pray reflects how much you depend on God to take control of your life.
God, how I don't understand how I trust my own hands with my life sometimes...because when it use to be in my own hands, I couldn't take it, and kept thinking of throwing it away.
Thank You for being so faithful to hold my heart during these times.
I'm thankful for the trials I go through, because it assures me of how much You love me, because You want to bring me closer to you.
Thank You for not going one day without reminding me that You set me apart for a great purpose...I've known that most my life, and my mom has known that my whole life.
Thank You for never failing me when I failed myself
Thank You for loving this ungrateful sinner
Thank You for giving me words to speak to peoples' hearts
Thank You for your love you put in my heart
Love, your affectionate child
I can't wait to be with You some day
8.2.10
Anticipation
The bird who choked on the worm
Returned to the nest
Regretting its departure
Perspective distorted
The view in the tree was so subtle
Yet flying in the skies was so trying
Being caught in stormy skies
Without the safety of shelter
This bird went too early
Impatiently anticipating the worm
The thin line was drawn
And it coiled too tightly around the feathers
The bird, once again took solace
Against his mothers warm breast
She rebuked her young's ways
Just before he took off again, too soon
Now down he falls
For he didn't see
The wind picked up
And took him from home
Where he flew into oblivion
Disoriented and spinning
Spinning, out of control
Spinning, spinning......
Crash.
Returned to the nest
Regretting its departure
Perspective distorted
The view in the tree was so subtle
Yet flying in the skies was so trying
Being caught in stormy skies
Without the safety of shelter
This bird went too early
Impatiently anticipating the worm
The thin line was drawn
And it coiled too tightly around the feathers
The bird, once again took solace
Against his mothers warm breast
She rebuked her young's ways
Just before he took off again, too soon
Now down he falls
For he didn't see
The wind picked up
And took him from home
Where he flew into oblivion
Disoriented and spinning
Spinning, out of control
Spinning, spinning......
Crash.
18.1.10
Love's low standards.
A year ago, I had no idea what God's intention for relationships between a man and a woman was supposed to be like. I knew there was a feeling to it...but I didn't know where that feeling was supposed to go...what route it was meant to take. So I set out on a quest to understand it...the result? I'm amazed at how society has watered down this connection. How society has perverted it. It turned something so beautiful into something so superficial. No wonder there are so many divorces these days...we have lost the true essence of love.
We've taken something that was meant to be for an unselfish cause into a selfish one.
Something divine, into something maligned
Something that we desire with our hearts, into something we lust after
Something pure, into something dirty
When couples break up these days, instead of cherishing memories together and thinking about what they need to improve about themselves, they point out everything wrong about the other person, and insist they need someone better for themselves.
Instead of thinking of the present and focusing on learning things and having fun together, the subject of marriage always is pressured.
Instead of wanting to become a better person for them, they focus on how the other can be a better person for themselves.
Instead of expressing love in your own authentic way, there's lists of things a girl likes a guy to do, and they follow it.
My frustration at the world's standard for love is endless.
It's such a low standard.
We've taken something that was meant to be for an unselfish cause into a selfish one.
Something divine, into something maligned
Something that we desire with our hearts, into something we lust after
Something pure, into something dirty
When couples break up these days, instead of cherishing memories together and thinking about what they need to improve about themselves, they point out everything wrong about the other person, and insist they need someone better for themselves.
Instead of thinking of the present and focusing on learning things and having fun together, the subject of marriage always is pressured.
Instead of wanting to become a better person for them, they focus on how the other can be a better person for themselves.
Instead of expressing love in your own authentic way, there's lists of things a girl likes a guy to do, and they follow it.
My frustration at the world's standard for love is endless.
It's such a low standard.
6.1.10
Vox
NOISE
Blast it in your ears
Fear the silence
Listen to no one's voice
Only your own
But don't deny...
...Fear.
Fear of that VOICE.
The VOICE that tells you...
"THIS ISN'T RIGHT"
"THIS ISN'T YOU"
"RESIST!"
But you listen to your own HEART anyway
The HEART that's deceived
The HEART that doesn't know what it wants
THE HEART THAT'S BROKEN
The heart that can lead you only to more brokenness
Blast it in your ears
Fear the silence
Listen to no one's voice
Only your own
But don't deny...
...Fear.
Fear of that VOICE.
The VOICE that tells you...
"THIS ISN'T RIGHT"
"THIS ISN'T YOU"
"RESIST!"
But you listen to your own HEART anyway
The HEART that's deceived
The HEART that doesn't know what it wants
THE HEART THAT'S BROKEN
The heart that can lead you only to more brokenness