Just some venting of unquenchable feelings....significant?

3...2...1... it's two zero zero nine
I know not what lies ahead
I can't know the time
Or this feeling I tread

But I feel this year
Will have a lot to do with love
This love, I cannot fear
For there's authority from above

My heart wants to grasp
That I will finally understand the feeling
Something that will make me gasp
Understanding the significance of kneeling

I want to know of the mutual loving connections
I want to explore it's pleasure
Though I pretend to gag at it's reflection
There's nothing more I'd rather treasure

I feel it's so far away
And yet right around the corner
I don't want my hopes about what may
But I can't settle with the former

What may happen will indeed
But still I pursue that hope
That unquenchable want to be freed
From what binds me, so here I grope

Feeling for what my heart desires
It's right in front of me
It's what my heart presently admires
Of what I can see, could truly be

I want something not of sap
Not made of cheap feelings merely
But rather to fill that gap
With something to cherish with God, dearly

Are we ever ready for that truth to be revealed?
I'm convinced were truly not worthy at all
Of what is desired for us in God's heart, it's sealed
At least from what we make of it, (He wants us to want to break down that wall)

[The wall of deceiphering what is love, what is real, what is true, what is the true deal]

That's just it, I can't deny
For I don't know what is the real truth
We can't ever possibly comply


...I find myself at a loss for a rhyme to one of the most significant words....is there any significance in any of our prespectives? We throw significant words around so often...they've lost their meanings. I can say, "Awesome" and no one will blink. I can say love....then about earthly relationships, they will think.
I can talk about God all I want, but what will come to mind is something abstract to our minds that we simply are not capable to comprehend.
We find ourselves wandering about, looking to feel significance...and what we settle with is temporary feelings.
If this wins me any credit of feeling significant...it won't last. Therefore, I do not write what will make me feel temporarily significant. It's a waste of time, if what I can feel is eternal...from God. Does that mean this has no significance in writing it?

That depends on one's own prespective....depending on who it is, this could be just a bunch of letters typed out from some teenager on a quest for significance...when I will never find it here. That is..especially if I start looking here...or even looking here at all.

Why do I write on here? Mainly for myself, to fulfill my pleasure of writing...my secret is out...but truly, I do feel I need to do this for God's glory. So let that be. Let Him take my pride, and relieve me of it, so that I will be freed from it.

If my citizenship is in heaven, why do I ever feel like all that matters in my life is what benefits myself here?

So God, truly, this is for You. If not ever before, this is sincere.

May I have not one resolution, but many, many of them. They are for you to plan out, not me this time... because I surrender this year to you.

Receive me...not the extra pieces that need to be stripped from me, but the true...me.

Sadness Attacks

With this poem I was working on personification...in this case I personify Sadness.



Sadness creeps around a tree
Looks unto me
Unarmed and helpless
Under the moons gleam

Exposes its unearthly appearance
I stare with feet adhered to the ground
I can't run from it anymore
My weakness, it has found

Sadness reaches through me
Locks its fingers onto my heart
I just gave it up
Sadness is now a part

I'm weak and helpless
I'm a hostage, there I lain
Sadness laughs shrilly at me
I cry with piercing pain

Sadness tugs my heart
Attempting to pull it free
With his vigorous talons
The pain weakens me

I fall to my knees
I cry out, "I will not trip
God help me arise to the fight!"
Then Sadness released his grip

Pain is relieved from my pulse
From my desperate prayer
It drove Sadness away
It gave him quite a scare

He ran back into the darkness
He tore for the shade of the trees
I looked until it was safe
Then I rose from my knees

Bloodied and battered
I find my knees tattered
But my heart resumes its pattern
Since it's now stronger, the pain mattered

"Love" Is Indeed Blind

Love is abused day after day
We all throw it around
I love you
How does that sound?

'Oh dear, I've known you but a week
But I feel I've known you for years
I love you
Wilt thou wipe my tears?'

Have we forsaken it?
What have we made it?
Where is the substance?
Why did we trade it?

Love does not make one blind
On the contrary, it opens one's eyes
Indeed, it shows one where they lack
And is never made up of pathetic lies

Lies such as the 'love' part of it
Surely, one cannot fall in love without Him?
We will prosper with others alone
If you think about it, Love isn't that dim

Love can only mean something meaningful
And I will say again, never temporary
How can one say it will last forever
When you won't spend your life in eternity?

How My Heart Got It's Hue

I wore moisture on my face
And you dried it clear
My tears were abundant
You considered them dear

I cried my eyes dry
You cried at the same time
You held me in Your arms
And your tears replaced mine

I had nothing left in my heart
So I gave it to You
You gladly accepted it
And said, "There's work to do".

You took it, You made it new
I received it, with now a red hue
And it was indeed repaired
Because it was filled with You

It was empty at one time
Now it's overflowing
Now my heart won't shrink
In fact, it is growing

"Never do that to Me ever again"

When I was a little girl, I could not depart my mom or dad in public. That is because something happened that traumatized me.

I was about five years old, and we went to Bartle Hall where they were having an extravaganza of some sort. I didn't know why we were there, but there was many neat things there. I went along, holding my father's hand, marveling at all the neat things. I let go of his hand when we came to one certain place that especially caught my attention. I stood there marveling at it for the longest time, mezmerized. A lot of time must have passed, and I shook my thoughts to reality when I realized that my father had left me. I didn't care about the thing I was marveling at anymore, that was not important, because my father had left me, and I was lost. I tried looking through the crowd for him, but the crowds were so thick, it would be impossible. I sat there and cried my heart out for what seemed like hours, until a couple of ladies came up to me and asked, "Are you lost?" I looked at them through teary eyes and barely nodded my head. I don't remember telling them my father had left me, but one of them took my hand and started asking me questions about what he looked like. "Is he wearing a hat?", "Is he bald?" I remember them asking those questions. I almost opened my mouth to say no, when through the enormous crowds of people, I saw him. I released the woman's hand I held and ran to him. My mother was with him now, also trying to find me. She took me in her arms and we both cried and cried and she told me to never do that again. My parents turned to thank the women, but they were gone. They tried looking for them, but there were no where to be found.

For the longest time I could not leave my parents, even when they took me to church, I did not go to the childrens service, because I was afraid my parents would leave me. I did go to the childrens service a few times though, but when they didn't show up on time to pick me up, I panicked and thought they had left me, and I would cry as hard as I did when I got lost at Bartle Hall. I finally learned to trust they would not leave me, and I started going to the childrens service without fear when I was around ten years old.

In a sense though, I am still that way, but with another Father figure. Whenever I stray from God, I get lost and I literally cry out to Him. He takes me in His arms like my mother did that one day and says, "Never do that to Me ever again."

Autumn Pests

I wanted to practice with my imagery in my poems...this one I tried to incorporate vivid sounds, sights, and smells. Let me know how I did and what I should change.


A rustle of leaves, gliding on pavement
Scratching gently, proceeding carefully
Crunching leaves under my steady feet
The crisp wisps of burning leaves
Departing as frail ashes from golden flames

The flames spit the grey fragments
They float away with a secret grudge
Of burning away their once brown bodies
And silencing their crunching ability
The flames lick the air with complacency

The metallic fumes of oil reach my nostrils
Another tactic of ridding of these pests
The leaves discentigrate
Under a roaring machine
Sealing their fate

If I were to be a leaf
Which would I prefer?
To burn, then to be taken by the wind
Or to remain, but shredded to bits?
I know not this, but maybe the latter

In Flanders Field by John McCrae

This poem was written by a soldier after a war. I thought it was very interesting.


In Flanders Fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

Dearly Beloved Sister Of Mine...

I have carried your past
My tears have been vast
For I could not comprehend it
The sting came all too fast

My eyelids hide
The anguish inside
My heart feels as lead
My soul experiences a tide

Your pain lingers through me
Into your heart I see
The stinging the past reminded you
Of who you use to be

Hurt is lost in the past
It's already been cast
Don't let regret define the future
Let the truth contrast

Don't let the past dissolve
The deciphered truth of resolve
You need not linger in the past
Need not have your heart involved

Don't abandon your heart
From the past, let it part
Don't trickle tears from what is gone
Create for your future a start

Don't regret what you learn
For you have made a turn
What we learn benefits our futures
Make the future something you yearn

Simulated Love

I have found the topic I know needs to be discussed. That is simulated love. Too often I see it everywhere...people falling for the trick the world throws at them with being taken by a mere illusion of, "falling in love". Up to this point I have become utterly disgusted at the idea the world has come up with, distorting and perverting what true love is.

I can't bear to hear another perverse lyric composed in a song, not another perverse "love" scene in a movie, not another perverse picture of a woman in an advertisement, not another paragraph in a book describing the perverse sensations of what "love" feels like.

I will not attempt to define on here what real love is, because it is many things. I will stay on the subject of what it is not.

It is not mere feelings. It is not something you "fall into". It is not perverse. It is not sensual acts outside of marriage. It is not that "prince charming" with good looks who gives you butterflies. In fact, it is nothing to do with the outside appearance, and if it did, then why doesn't God reject the poor and needy without personal hygeine or expensive clothes?

Man looks on the outward appearance, but God looks on the heart. (1 Samuel 16:7)

If no one on earth had eyes, what would we make of others outward conduct then?

Love -- The Simulated vs. The Truth

I had many questions of Love
And I wanted the Truth
So instead of running to deceiving love
I ran to the truthful Love
For what truth would you find
In a composition of lies?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Fools are the ones who turn from true love
Love, the most truthful
And yet deceiving
For I believe there are two different types

One is pretending
One is the Truth

The obvious difference is the time frame
For one love is eternal
The other is temporary



What is the only true love then?

Love with meaning
Could meaning imply something temporary?
True love can only be eternal

For what fool would think
That love, profoundly
Would be of a temporary time frame?

For what is meaningful, is indeed eternal

What can have meaning?
Can you find it here on earth?
Where is meaning?

Meaning can only be found if you look in the right place

Is this 'right place' here?
Where do I have to look to find it?
How long will it take to search it?

The right place is in your heart and mind

How shall I search my heart?
And what of my mind?
What shall I find?

He then said to me

To search it
You first inherit it
And to inherit it
You must first lose it
And when you lose it
Is when you truly shall inherit it

And what is this that I shall inherit?
Is it my mind?
My heart?

You shall inherit true Love
Which is only found through Me

Bearing the heart of a child

With the slight chance that you have read my entry about my supernatural day, you probably have realized that God can change your heart if you let Him. I believe the hearts we should have are the hearts of children, yet with a magnificent twist. This is what this entry will be about.

Bearing the heart of a child, how are we to do that? I believe having the heart of a child means having unconditional love for God, and for others as well. But there are many things associated with that.

Matthew 22:37-39: Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. 39And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself."

But how is that having the heart of the child? I'll tell you what I believe the qualities of a child's heart is that we should bear. I will explain these with the help of a little child I'm familiar with, her name is Abbie and she is three years old.

• Unconditional love

"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." (John 13:34 & 35)

"We love because he first loved us." (1 John 4:19)

Whenever I do something mean, intentionally or unintentionally to Abbie, she will cry and tell me that I am being mean. She makes me feel very bad, so I tell her I'm sorry and for her to forgive me. She immediately brightens up and gives me a hug and says, "Aww it's okay." As if I had never done anything to offend her.

Of course when someone does something, depending on the circumstances, we sometimes have to gain back trust from them; but nevertheless, we are to forgive them, even if the same trust is not there, which brings me onto the next thing.

• Forgiveness

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. (Ephesians 4:32)

Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. (1 Peter 3:9)

As Paul wrote in Ephesians, we forgive because God forgives us. That's the whole reason we're called to forgive, and not just forgive others orally, but in our hearts, our minds, and our spirits. Forgiving others as Christ forgave us lifts a huge load off of us, because we can forgive others for their offenses, and we don't have to dwell on it anymore! Not forgiving someone is only going to bring hurt to your own heart, you're not infiltrating the heart of the person you need to forgive. We are certainly not to return that evil with our own evil, but with blessing. (Refer to 1 Peter 3:9.) Doesn't this sound like jibberish? If someone took my McDonalds ten dollar arch card and acted like a jerk, I'm not going to bless them! As ludicrious as it sounds, God would want us to bless them instead of curse them. Maybe not something like going up to them and saying, "God bless you." In spite of them. But in your own heart you must decide for yourself what would be the better option, to add to the fire, or to extinguish it. Most times we don't need to say or do anything, but to forgive them in our hearts and let God deal with them, and He will, but we are not to feel loathing on the inside while thinking, "God will get them." Because that is not bearing the true essence of forgiveness.

• Being pure in your speech

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen (Ephesians 4:29)

Me and my family have to hold our tongues in front of Abbie at times. We accidently say, "Shut up." or "Stupid" in front of her, and we do not want her to be saying those things. But we do not have to correct ourselves anymore. Whenever we accidently slip, and say "Stupid." She says, "Hey don't say stupid, say silly!!" Same with when we accidently say shut up. Haha, silly Abbie. But she knows it is wrong for her to say those things, because it does not sound nice, and does not, as the verse above says, "build others up according to their needs." and it does not, "benefit those who listen." I joke a lot with those words, but when I am serious with them, Abbie corrects me when I say them in front of her.

What comes out of your mouth has a lot to do with what is on your heart. So if you're not speaking as you should, you need to ask God to change your heart.

This also includes something many of us struggle with, and that is gossip. For the longest time I was told that if it's in a family, then there's nothing wrong with it. Sometimes, we should correct the ones who have brought us up, but of course with respect. I had to do that on the matter of gossiping. If what you say about someone is not something you could not say with them in the same conversation, then it is gossip. Many times I am tempted to say something about someone that I just can't believe they did, or what they said. Many times I have to hold my tongue, and sometimes I will forget about it altogether before I say it. I've struggled with this subject, with hearing so much of it from some of my friends and relatives. This is something very important though. Just think how you would feel if someone were saying something bad about you. Whenever I hear someone has been talking bad about me behind my back, it hurts me deeply. Which brings me onto my next subject.

• Practicing the Golden Rule

"So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets." (Matthew 7:12)

Just think how things would be if we practiced this. Many times I have seen others acting with no care in the world in regards to how others feel, even the little things. Like how I was sitting in a certain seat, then someone comes and sits next to me, I leave, and then the buddy-buddy of that person comes and sits in that seat. It makes me feel like the person who came and sat next to me didn't give a care I was sitting there, because their buddy is much more important to sit with than I am. As you can see, people like me can take small things very personally. That situation did anger me, but it did teach me something, and that is how that person would feel if I did the same to them. I went and sat in another seat, next to one of my friends. She got up to get something, and someone with Abbie came by. There was empty seats on both sides of me, one with where my friend sat, and one where no one was occupying. The someone with Abbie says to themselves under their breath, "Is anyone sitting here? Oh well, they aren't now." Then to me, "Abbie is going to sit here next to you." I say, "OH NO SHE ISN'T. My friend is sitting there." And I sat Abbie on the other seat.

I'm not taking my situation as an example of how we should act, because my friend simply could have sat on the seat on the other side of me. I was using it as an illustration of how we can learn for ourselves what it is like to be treated bad, so we can know how it feels, therefore know how the person feels to be treated in that way, and therefore not treating them the way we would not want to be treated.

• Loving Unashamedly

"If anyone is ashamed of me and my words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of him when he comes in his glory and in the glory of the Father and of the holy angels." (Luke 9:26)

"Whoever acknowledges me before men, I will also acknowledge him before my Father in heaven. But whoever disowns me before men, I will disown him before my Father in heaven. " (Matthew 10:32 & 33)

"Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act." (Proverbs 3:27)

Whenever I'm out in public with many people around, little Abbie is the same way she always is with her affection to me, even with many people watching, she hugs me and kisses just as she always does wherever we are. She is not ashamed with loving me, and it's a good feeling.

Have you ever had that feeling of being neglected? Ever been picked last on a team? Not being invited to a get-together with a bunch of your friends? No one likes feeling like that, neither does God. He doesn't like feeling left out of your life, and He does not like it when you are ashamed of Him, therefore leaving Him out. And when some subject is brought up and you know God wants you to say something, (Refer to the verse above) and instead you ignore that nudge from God, that in a way is being ashamed of God. How?

If someone tells you they do not like coffee, are you going to withhold the information that you like it because you know they don't like it? That sounds ridiculous. In most cases people will express that they like coffee, because they are not ashamed to say it. In the same way, we should be bold when we express what we feel when it comes to subjects that we know we need to say something that God wants us to say.

I did not write this to consult you or to correct you, but to inform you with valuable information. I do not mean to convey the message with the reason that I bear all these qualities, which if you knew me it would be obvious that I do not, but I believe these things are qualities we should all bear. If you read this, I hope you got something out of it, and I'm thankful you took your time to read it.

I would strongly appreciate comments, suggestions, or even constructive criticism.